They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
