we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
