Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
