i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
