Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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