it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
