Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
