Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize