1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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