Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
