cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
