So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
