Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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