There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
