textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
