In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
