i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
