I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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