Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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