Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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