Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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