Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
