I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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