Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
