I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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