I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
