Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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