just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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