his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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