dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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