***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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