Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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