Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
