So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
