Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Life is so much better after having sex.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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