I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
