I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
