Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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