Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
