Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
