Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
