My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
