I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
