I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
