if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
