i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
