I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
