Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
