I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
