My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize