where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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