I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize