Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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