we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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