if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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