sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
