I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize