i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Can I color on your dick again?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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