So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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