God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
